Captain! I think we're stuck in a time loop!



things turn out the same over and over again
just like being caught in a loop
only it's not a time loop
it's like you think you've got it
but after a while, you'll realise that
it's all wrong
as wrong as can be

it's like you think you're at the destination
but it turns out you're twice as far from the destination when you first started
it's like you're doing exercising a lot and eating appropriately but the fats never go away
it's like you're shooting with your 100% concentration but the ball never goes in the hoop
it's like you're doing lunges and squats but you can't jump higher than you were jumping before
it's like you're doing a lot of pull up training but the pull up count never goes up
it's like you're playing a lot of dota, but in the end you still get owned big time
it's like you're running to the end of the rainbow, but you never get to the end
it's like embracing that sliver of hope, but it was never there to begin with
it's like running into the dense fog, you have no idea where you came from nor where to go
it's like you've done your best, but it's mediocre
it's like questioning yourself every night, but you're nowhere closer to the answer than before


ja!

it's back to the same o same o
seems like every big test in my life
i have to go through twice

perhaps max said it right
there's 2 sides to everyone
one side of me is the competitive side
and the other is the one that's willing to settle for mediocre results
the competitive side often end up making a lot of people unhappy
and mediocre side often end up making me unhappy
it's such an internal struggle
i don't know how to make it right

i just found out i got a rejection
that's one down, two to go
at least i found out before they told me
if not i'd be holding on to a thread of hope
only to have it snap on me when i think that i can make it out

right now i don't even know what i'm feeling
one side of me is so down and out
and the other side says that i should not have a woe is me mentality
i guess it's called frustration

if only improvement is quantifiable
perhaps i wouldn't be kicking myself for not showing any improvement
am i chasing a rainbow
desperately looking for the pot of gold
only to find that it's a circle

i dont know how many times i can tell myself
there's hope
im i wanting it too badly or just not enough?


ja!

this period as i remember last year
was one of much... unhappiness
really retarded sispec training
and the waiting for the uni application

we were under the canopy in a heavy rain
sitting on the mud waiting for our turn
just talking about how useless we were
and ending each grumble with a wtf

seems like every memorable event in sispec
had something to do with the rain
perhaps it's cause the rain had allowed us to stop
and to share our thoughts

the drops of chilling rain
reminded us of cruel reality was
reminded us of how alive we were on the outside
but how dead on the inside

for that i thank my sispec buddies for bringing me through that phase


ja!