im not supposed to come online
but given the recent research work to be done
i guess
ive succumbed to the lure of the net

everything is pretty much alright
not lagging behind
been doing my homework
only thing is i havent started on my revision
i guess i really need to the determination
i need to overcome fatigue
which always seem to be around
after balling, after sch, during lectures
its only not there when it doesnt matter whether its there or not

sometimes i wonder if its when i never achieve my goals that i get into an emo state
or is it just that i think too much

today was a rainy day
rained whole day
woke up exceptionally early
anyway
i was walking past the playground after i finished my dinner
and as i did so
i caught the faint familiar scent of rusted iron
it brought about memories of 10 yrs ago
everything didnt seem to matter
except have fun
didnt think of what messed up state i would be in a decade later
its like wrong decisions and decisions all the time
ever wondered why people always wanted to die?
heres what i think
since young games have been a part of our lives
and even if we lost all our lives in a game
all we had to do is to press the restart button
in a way
people view death as the restart button
everytime we stop to think
its always a why
why did i do this
why why why
floods my mind like an unforgiving onslaught

i dont really know whats going on
whats going to happen
all i know is what has happened

seems like a dumb repetition of what i have said so many times
but then its really what i feel

everything that i had believed in
everything that i had to wholeheartly fought for
everything that was my passion
met with dismal failures
and each time
it seems to just get worse
thats all folks

ok
2 weeks has gone and past
18 years has gone so fast

right
a lvl yr has finally come
and its tragic to know how i wasted my holidays not doing anything meaningful enough to prevent further tragedies
such as not making it for the yr
today has been one such day that made me realize that the pace is really fast
and if i dont start soon
id be overwhelmed by homework
and then ill be stressed again cause im not performing to my expectations
but for what its worth
i think putting my 100% isnt enough
cause there is no 100% to speak of
juggling basketball trainings, studies and friends
these are the 3 main 'things' in my life
family doesnt count
cause no matter what
its always there
no matter how far i tend towards basketball
my family will always be supportive
its kinda weird saying this here
i dont normally drag family into my entries

anyway
today is a great start
ive spent sometime at the gym, the court, and the classroom
and it has dawned on me how much i have to catch up
all three areas

enough said
i wont be blogging that often
its an effort to stay offline and focus on studies
so hopefully you guys wont mind
yup thats about all